"Just save the Relationship"

Latest trial in life, one of my little ones is painfully shy, very painfully.  He especially cannot handle large groups of people where he feels that he is expected to preform... like primary, library story time, preschool groups, etc... We have been trying to get him to go to primary without us going too or a meltdown for 2 yrs now.  Before moving ~ 10 months ago things finally settled down and he was comfortable enough with his teachers and fellow classmates to go without any worries.  Then we moved.  And we tried to keep the same routine... needless to say it didn't work.  So we tried the pop-pychology method of leave him, he'll cry and fight for a few minutes and then be fine.  It didn't work either.  I mean he stayed in class usually (with his wonderful teacher holding him) but after months of doing this we weren't getting far, in fact it was causing a lot of residual problems with his trust in us.  I mean what do you think a child would start to think after multiple times of being truly nervous and scared of a situation and doing all you could to let your parents know that you were not comfortable and they say, "sorry too bad, see ya, this is good for you" (we didn't say that... but that is likely what he was feeling).  It didn't do much for his trust and relationship with us.  So we had a parental time-out and looked at our "play" for this situation and realized what we were doing wasn't working and was actually augmenting the problem.  So we tried a new "play" (I'll have to explain this more later - kinda like a football team/coaches come up with plays for their team).  And started back at square one with one of us sitting with him through sharing time of primary, once they headed to the smaller class room he really did fine on a more personal level, so we would bow out and head to our class.  And it has been working!  Then we started working our way out of sharing time a little earlier each week, once we knew he was comfortable enough to not feel nervous when we were gone.  We are down to 5-10 mins now!

My big concern is how things are going to work when we head to Kindergarten next year.  This is part of the reason I decided to take care of preschool myself (which I'll be honest - hasn't been as structured or frequent as I'd planned, and I obviously haven't kept up with blogging what we do).   We are in a babysitting co-op (which is great!) and one of the girls we had over the other day was in the pre-schooling co-op, which we had decided not to join in on in the fall.  But watching him interact with her and with the way things are going now with primary, I'm beginning to think he may be ready for a new change... and started thinking about preschool co-op.    The catch is that I'd need to be able to stay with him for the first 5-10 mins (at least) every preschool day.   And the other one is that once again, I just don't like the idea of leaving his education at this age to someone else... ugh I'm caught.  What I'd love is a preschool co-op where a few mom's worked together to provide preschool for their children and had a schedule etc, but didn't drop off their kids... all stayed together and worked together.  A Mother & Me Preschool!

Anyway what I was really getting at with this post is... everyone tells me to let him cry, just leave him and he'll be fine.  And I tried that, but it does not work for him, and no I don't think that we are coddling him.  I've even had people say I should talk to a psychologist about it... but I don't think he needs that.  I was really flustered about everything, wondering what was the best thing to do... and it came to me all of a sudden, "Just save the relationship" I had read this years ago in Glimpses into the Life and Heart of Marjorie Pay Hinckley.  Yes he may get around to accepting the fact that that is how school goes, but he would be resistant and it would deteriorate his relationship with us (as we already learned), and he would likely learn to hate school.  So despite what anyone thinks of me, him, all of us... I am going to work on saving the relationship.  Because in the end, it won't matter whether he was the perfect school child walking into class, it doesn't matter if people think something of us because we have to work harder to help him be comfortable in new situations, it Does matter how he feels and what he thinks of us as his mom and dad and our love for him.  So now when I'm not sure what to do, if our relationship hangs in the balance I will "Just save the relationship" because if we are close to him, we can be a much greater influence for good in his life.

Mother - teach the baby to sleep

The past few nights have been long.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who have had nights when a little one has a tough time staying asleep!  Andrew (9 months) was waking up every 2 hours and only going back to sleep through rocking and nursing, then repeating that multiple times.  Any mother (and father) knows that wears you down after a bit and you start wondering what to do.  I sometimes wish I knew the things I know now with my first baby, and I am sure I'll think that again as the years pass by.

So I sat wondering what to do and how to help all of us get a better nights sleep, I pondered over the many different "solutions".  Everything from cry it out, to give up and let him out for a little bit and then try again, to continuing to be waken every other hour.  None really seemed such a great idea.  I have sworn off the cry it out solution forever if I can help it.  We tried that with Michael & Matthew and not only did it break my heart to pieces, it taught Alex - then 2 - that it was okay for them to cry... not a good thing.  And I'm sure it wasn't the most emotionally healthy thing for them.  I hope that it isn't a scar they carry for life.  The continued rocking to sleep thing isn't the best either, that is what I did with Alex and there comes a point where it just doesn't work anymore and that is a hard transition.  Plus I really need my sleep to keep up with life.  And we've always had the rule (that breaks now and then) that once it is bedtime we don't come out of our rooms til morning... and we start that with our babies.   There go all those options...  so as I sat rocking him at 12:30 the second night in a row I was pondering and my thoughts came back to "Mother, teach the children"... hmmm how does that apply here.  And I decided that I needed to teach Andrew how to go back to sleep if he stirs or wakes during the night, teach him to "fish" so to speak instead of giving him a fish.  I remember reading some things in a book called "The Lull-A-Baby Sleep Plan" a very good book in my opinion, and decided to try some.  So at 2:30am when Andrew woke again, I went in and calmed him down by giving him a hug, but without picking him up out of the crib.  Then when he had settled down a bit, I sat next to the crib and put my arms through the bars.  Over the next hour I worked at soothing him and keeping him from standing up on the side of the crib, laying him down at times (though he'd sit right back up), and just working on helping him stay calm but not playing.  I kept patting the mattress with my hand, next to him as he sat there, trying to encourage him to lay down himself.  He laid down a couple of times then would sit up then I'd pat the mattress and he'd lay down again and finally he stayed down and started breathing heavily.  And after about an hour it all worked.   Success!  Or so I hoped.  I hardly had laid down in my bed when he started crying again.  Obviously he wasn't completely asleep yet.  So I went back and did the same things over again, this time it only took about 15 mins.  And this time he slept through the night!!   This was the second time I tried this, I did it a few weeks ago too, I need to be more consistent with it, but usually Andrew does sleep through the night.

So why is this so important?  Well, one - though it did take longer initially than feeding and rocking him to sleep, I didn't have to be getting up every other hour again through the night!  And hopefully it won't take too many of these mommy teach me to sleep sessions, til he can help himself back to sleep and know that night is for sleeping. Two - He went to sleep!  And he didn't have to cry until he zonked out from sheer exhaustion (which really doesn't teach him anything very fast... and we'd end up having the same situation night after night for a long while.)  Three - I don't feel like I'm deserting him when he is crying for me and I'm not coming, we both feel validated and loved and respected.  My heart is NOT getting ripped out of me as it would if I was laying in bed listening to my baby crying.  We all feel better and happier in the end.  And I feel like I'm following the Savior's example of having Christ like love and charity as the guiding factor in my life as a mother.  As I said to my husband, "This is what Mom's are for" and what being a mom is all about.

Hope you can find what works for you and your baby!  And here's hoping that we can keep finding what works for us, as any mother knows the minute you think you figure something out that works... the child grows and changes and so you are able to grow and change again too!

AFTERTHOUGHT:  Just wanted to say... that that was what worked for me that night, that child, that place in time.  It won't always work, there are no quick fix, one size for everyone solution that will do the "trick".  You have to take into consideration your child, his/her age and temperament, your self, your family, your situation.  If my thoughts helped, great, if not, don't worry about it, find what works for you and your little one!