Understanding Emotions

There was a wonderful write up in the Church News about "Understanding emotions in early childhood helps overall health."  (You can listen to the whole lecture here or here.)  It really brought home for me and put into words some of the feelings and thoughts that I have been pondering lately.  That of the difference between the worlds multiple pop-parenting views and ideas, and that of a Christ like Charity, true gospel centered parenting.  I feel like my mind has been so bombarded with all of the social stigmas of what a child should and should not say or do, the schedule a child should keep, and the best methods of how to get a child to do what you want him/her to do, that I have allowed some bad habits into our parenting lives.  And lately it has been really pressing upon my mind, wondering what the true approaches should be, and how to still the frustration that I feel when one of my boys doesn't always do what I want him to do when I want him to do it or acts out in ways that I think are unacceptable.  I have been feeling lately that a lot of the little things that happen daily don't really matter in the eternal sense of things, you know; a potty accident, not being as quick getting ready for the day, getting out of bed at night for this-that-or the other.  It isn't what they do or don't do that matters, it is what I do or don't do in response that matters!  It really hit home when I heard my oldest child reprimanding one of the younger ones and thought "where did he learn to that?" and realized that unfortunately he has learned it from me.  It wasn't awful but it wasn't charitable loving or kind.  And I realized that with all I'm 'trying' to 'teach' them by different 'methods' isn't really teaching them, it was my attitude, tone of voice, and facial expressions that they were really learning, my charity and love or lack there of.  And I must say that when feeling frustrated that they 'still hadn't learned not to _______'  (hit their brother, call names, fight, take toys away, etc... all ways that children express their feelings); that my tone of voice and attitude was generally frustrated or aggravated or exasperated, not so charitable...  and I have been pondering on and working on seeing things from a different light.  Trying not to compare my children to what I think everyone else might think of them (because really I doubt anyone really takes the time to analyze them like that anyway... I know I don't do that to anyone else's children, my mind is usually to full of taking care of my children).   Instead I am going to work on seeing them as the Savior does, as Heavenly Father wants me to see them, and to love them and Show that Love in my face, tone of voice, actions, and words.  That they learn by my example to be kind and loving and to teach each other, instead of reprimanding or commanding, to help us all along the path of charity, love, and back into our Father's loving arms.

Some other wonderful thoughts and resources that enhance the idea of charitable Parenting:


Chapter 3: Teaching Infants and Toddlers: from Birth to Approximately Three Years,"  A Parent's Guide, (1985)

"While your children are very young, you can teach them the value of loving and being loved. "

"... if you wish your children to be taught in the principles of the gospel, if you wish them to love the truth and understand it, if you wish them to be obedient to and united with you, love them! and prove to them that you do love them by your every word or act to them. For your own sake, for the love that should exist between you and your [children]—however wayward they might be … when you speak or talk to them, do it not in anger, do it not harshly, in a condemning spirit. Speak to them kindly; get them down and weep with them if necessary and get them to shed tears with you if possible. Soften their hearts; get them to feel tenderly toward you. Use no lash and no violence, but … approach them with reason, with persuasion and love unfeigned. … Get them to feel as you feel, have interest in the things in which you take interest, to love the gospel as you love it, to love one another as you love them; to love their parents as the parents love the children. You can’t do it any other way” 

“our children are the most precious gift that our Father bestows upon us. If we can guide their feet in the pathway of salvation, there will be joy eternal for us and for them”

 "Be loving when you correct your children. Do not withhold affection from them as a way to chastise them, for they may not learn to give affection to others."

Chapter 4: Teaching Children: from Four to Eleven Years," A Parent’s Guide, (1985)

"The home is the best place in the world to teach the child self-restraint, to give him happiness in self-control, and respect for the rights of others."

“I feel that the first contribution of the home to the happiness of the child is to impress him with the fact that there are bounds beyond which he cannot go with safety; second, to teach him to be considerate of the rights of others; third, to have him feel that home is a place where confidences and consolations are exchanged; and fourth, to have him cherish the thought that home is a haven of seclusion and rest from the worries and perplexities of life” ~ Pres. David O. McKay

Now, just because I have written this, am I doing it just perfectly?  No, I am human, I make mistakes.  But I am working on Becoming better and striving to do these things!  That is the great thing about this life, we get to consistently work to Become more than we are, more like Him.  And writing it all out, helps, because now on 'one of those days' I can come back and read and re-experience the feelings and answers that I have found, to help me continue working to Become the best mother that I can be.

Pre-school musings.... again....

I am constantly trying to assess the best ways to "pre-school" our little boys and I continue to find that I am not in agreement with the ideas that are presented in many preschools and preschool curriculum's.  Children are meant to be children, and from many of my studies, even as an Early-childhood education major in college, I  find more and more evidence that the logic of learning through enjoyable, relaxed, and home-made activities and from the everyday love and guidance of the mother, is the best possible education a child can have!  I keep fretting that I haven't "scheduled" out a perfect preschool for 2 hours twice a week.  But then I see how much enjoyment my boys have in being able to just do things when we are in the right moment.  For example, the other morning they had a ball cutting up construction paper into a million little pieces, there was no pressure to cut perfectly on the lines or peer pressure, but they are learning to use scissors and fine-motor skills and mostly enjoying being a child and exploring the cause and effects in their world.

 As I think back to when I was a child... I was not required to preform and do certain things that put me under pressure to "do it right, or like so-and-so"?  I was allowed the freedom to explore and try new things within the safety and security of a loving home environment.  I think most of us who are mothers now did not experience preschool, as it was not such a widespread and "expected" thing during our childhood.  In fact Pre-school was started as a program for children who were deprived a stable loving environment to learn the basics in, and it has obviously changed into a social "norm".  We may not have had all the experiences, socialization, and crafts in the same manner that can be had now... but I certainly do not regret it!

 I had my mother, she lovingly watched over me, she sang to me, she read to me, she taught me many things through everyday experiences, she gave me the freedom to enjoy my childhood without the structure and pressures of adult life and schooling at too young an age.  That is what I want for my children.  Life has so many pressures and structure and responsibility and time passes all to quickly.  Children are meant to learn joy from their mothers, just as we are meant to have Joy in our children, and we can learn so much from watching and taking time to be with them and love them.  And to experience the joy and satisfaction of seeing their eyes light up when they learn something new for the first time.

 I love Sis. Hinckley's attitude toward having her children at home "(she) loved the sound of the screen door slamming shut as the children ran in from the backyard... Marjorie savored the days she had her five to herself, and she went to great lengths to keep summers unstructured so her young ones would have time to lie in the gully and listen to the birds sing if they wanted to.  She wept each fall when it was time to send her brood back to school; even when school was in session she looked forward to the moment each day when her children burst through the door and started scrounging for an afternoon snack..." Glimpses into the Life and Heart of Marjorie Pay Hinckley pg.52-53  I want to cultivate that feeling into my heart, family, and my children's lives.  THIS is my time to enjoy every minute I can and teach my children through my daily living and love.

    But believe me, I have days that I just needed a break from it all and that life and responsibilities seems so very demanding.  I am not the perfect mother, no one is, but I am working on becoming the best mother I can be, as we all are.  I love the word becoming, to become means: to undergo change or development, and I like the idea that we are all working towards becoming who we and more importantly who our Beloved Father in Heaven wants us to become.  I feel that that means that we don't have to be perfect right now, we all make mistakes, but we can continue to work toward what we can become, and it gives me hope and optimism.  

Some links that have furthered my thoughts on preschool...

Should I send my child to Preschool?
Better Late than Early

"No, No, No, No, No"

  If you can imagine hearing the title come from an unhappy 5 year old you just might hear what I heard last night.  "That is all you ever say!  No, no, no, no, no!"  We had just suggested that there was no dessert for the evening, since Halloween and each proceeding holiday, we seem to have had candy in our home consistently.  And we are trying to scale it back (I just need to throw it out, then there would be no discussion. ;-)   He also mentioned this same thing a few nights ago, when he really opened up to me about some of his frustrations, as well as that I say "just a minute" far to often.  And honestly it took me back for a minute, realizing what I was doing.  As I thought on it, a quote I had read came to mind - again from Sis. Hinckley's book.

"My mother taught me some basic philosophies of rearing children.  One is that you have to trust children.  I tried hard never to say "no" if I could possibly say "yes."  I think that worked well because it gave my children the feeling that I trusted them and they were responsible to do the best they could." pg.55

I would like my boys to feel that I trust them and that they are responsible... so I'm going to work on not saying no, except for when it Really matters.  I remember in one of my Family Sciences classes discussing how parents should try to save saying "No" for life and death sort of matters or in other words the times that it is really important and then children will learn to respect that word more.  And not feel like "I think that is the 100th time today I've heard you say no, why does it matter more this time?"  Beyond that they will feel validated and that you have more respect for them because you aren't always giving negative feedback.  Of course that doesn't mean you are a doormat to their whims!  There are a multitude of other ways to help a child realize that something can't happen the way they want or right at that moment.  What else is there to do?  Ask questions!  If I ask them what is right or wrong (there should be some background lessons during unemotional teaching moments on what is right and wrong) or what we should do, they usually know!  If not it is much easier to help them find the right answer then when I say no....  When they give me the answer, they are far less likely to think that throwing a fit will change my mind.  They also feel like they are more in control of themselves which helps them feel responsible, trusted, and valued.  And though it is sometimes harder for me to do because it requires more forethought... it is much easier and happier for everyone involved!

"Just save the Relationship"

Latest trial in life, one of my little ones is painfully shy, very painfully.  He especially cannot handle large groups of people where he feels that he is expected to preform... like primary, library story time, preschool groups, etc... We have been trying to get him to go to primary without us going too or a meltdown for 2 yrs now.  Before moving ~ 10 months ago things finally settled down and he was comfortable enough with his teachers and fellow classmates to go without any worries.  Then we moved.  And we tried to keep the same routine... needless to say it didn't work.  So we tried the pop-pychology method of leave him, he'll cry and fight for a few minutes and then be fine.  It didn't work either.  I mean he stayed in class usually (with his wonderful teacher holding him) but after months of doing this we weren't getting far, in fact it was causing a lot of residual problems with his trust in us.  I mean what do you think a child would start to think after multiple times of being truly nervous and scared of a situation and doing all you could to let your parents know that you were not comfortable and they say, "sorry too bad, see ya, this is good for you" (we didn't say that... but that is likely what he was feeling).  It didn't do much for his trust and relationship with us.  So we had a parental time-out and looked at our "play" for this situation and realized what we were doing wasn't working and was actually augmenting the problem.  So we tried a new "play" (I'll have to explain this more later - kinda like a football team/coaches come up with plays for their team).  And started back at square one with one of us sitting with him through sharing time of primary, once they headed to the smaller class room he really did fine on a more personal level, so we would bow out and head to our class.  And it has been working!  Then we started working our way out of sharing time a little earlier each week, once we knew he was comfortable enough to not feel nervous when we were gone.  We are down to 5-10 mins now!

My big concern is how things are going to work when we head to Kindergarten next year.  This is part of the reason I decided to take care of preschool myself (which I'll be honest - hasn't been as structured or frequent as I'd planned, and I obviously haven't kept up with blogging what we do).   We are in a babysitting co-op (which is great!) and one of the girls we had over the other day was in the pre-schooling co-op, which we had decided not to join in on in the fall.  But watching him interact with her and with the way things are going now with primary, I'm beginning to think he may be ready for a new change... and started thinking about preschool co-op.    The catch is that I'd need to be able to stay with him for the first 5-10 mins (at least) every preschool day.   And the other one is that once again, I just don't like the idea of leaving his education at this age to someone else... ugh I'm caught.  What I'd love is a preschool co-op where a few mom's worked together to provide preschool for their children and had a schedule etc, but didn't drop off their kids... all stayed together and worked together.  A Mother & Me Preschool!

Anyway what I was really getting at with this post is... everyone tells me to let him cry, just leave him and he'll be fine.  And I tried that, but it does not work for him, and no I don't think that we are coddling him.  I've even had people say I should talk to a psychologist about it... but I don't think he needs that.  I was really flustered about everything, wondering what was the best thing to do... and it came to me all of a sudden, "Just save the relationship" I had read this years ago in Glimpses into the Life and Heart of Marjorie Pay Hinckley.  Yes he may get around to accepting the fact that that is how school goes, but he would be resistant and it would deteriorate his relationship with us (as we already learned), and he would likely learn to hate school.  So despite what anyone thinks of me, him, all of us... I am going to work on saving the relationship.  Because in the end, it won't matter whether he was the perfect school child walking into class, it doesn't matter if people think something of us because we have to work harder to help him be comfortable in new situations, it Does matter how he feels and what he thinks of us as his mom and dad and our love for him.  So now when I'm not sure what to do, if our relationship hangs in the balance I will "Just save the relationship" because if we are close to him, we can be a much greater influence for good in his life.

Mother - Teach the Baby to Sleep - An Afterthought...

Just wanted to say... that that was what worked for me that night, that child, that place in time.  It won't always work, there are no quick fix, one size for everyone solution that will do the "trick".  You have to take into consideration your child, his/her age and temperament, your self, your family, your situation.  If my thoughts helped, great, if not, don't worry about it, find what works for you and your little one!

Educational Philosophy

Can I just say "Wow!"  It is amazing the things you can learn and even do in college and 10 years later have no memory of...  so I was looking through some more papers and notes from my college "Intro to Teaching Young Children" class.  And I found a paper I wrote called an Educational Philosophy Paper, it's purpose was for the creation of a preschool and to let prospective parents know what my Educational Philosophy for my preschool was.  It is a good paper - if I do say so myself ;-)  I am SOOO glad that I found this notebook, and even more glad that I tend to be a bit of a pack rat on certain things!  So here goes...

Chelsea's Educational Philosophy Paper

Dear Parents and children,

      Hello and welcome to my preschool.  Before we begin discussing other matters, I would like for you to know my feelings and beliefs on just what education is and how children should be taught.  I have five main areas that i will discuss my opinion on.

1.    There are many conflicting beliefs on what the main purposes of education are of should be.  I believe that education should fulfill many purposes.  Some of these purposes are; to gain the wisdom needed to use their knowledge appropriately, to learn how to solve real life problems; to attain the skills that are necessary to be able to live a well balanced life; to become aware of what is happening around them, then form their own opinion on the different matters, and be able to act on that opinion; and to prepare children to take charge of their own education and how far and what they will study.

2.    Every child has different needs that have to be attended to in order for him or her to grow and learn to their greatest potential.  I feel that a few of the special needs for growth are;   that each child needs to feel secure where they are and have the freedom to explore; they need to find incentive for what they learn; there needs to be activities that help develop the child's social, emotional, and physical areas; and the caregiver has to be able to attend to every child's needs.

3.  Children will learn better when they are taught in certain ways, a few of these are; being actively involved in their education; when the priority is on the child not the preschool as a whole; when each child's differences are compensated for; by interacting and playing; and when the teacher is in charge and  able to use discipline when needed.

4.  A good learning environment is especially important to the child's education, some good features are; having a place prepared to teach in, mentally and physically; that it is a place where children can learn on their own; materials need to be easily assessable; a good mood needs to be set by the teacher; and it must be a safe location and environment.

5.    Last, but not least, a teacher must have certain qualities and behaviors, some of the most important are; to be well educated; to be a guide, not an obstacle; to demonstrate and teach caring characteristics; truly believing that ALL children can learn; always being open to new ways of thinking; they need to be good and communicating; and they must consistently be striving to improve themselves, their teaching skills, and become an ideal teacher.  

   I hope that you have found my policies and philosophies to be in accordance with your feelings on these matters that I have discussed.  The following pages will take each of these five areas into more detail and there are quotes to support my opinions, these quotes come from two college textbooks and are reliable.  If you have any questions or comments please consult me.

     Thank you for taking the time to read through this and consider my preschool.

                                                                                                        Sincerely,

                                                                                                             Chelsea

~ The rest to follow soon.  ~

"A child's work is a child's play"

Oh to be young again!  I was reading a great article called In the Sandbox at You Can Teach.  The following really struck me, it hit home, I did not go to preschool as a child, and I don't feel that I was at any disadvantage, I do remember running and playing outside through the summers and winters.  Exploring, learning, helping cook, gather eggs, feed baby calves, mother reading stories to us, especially her singing us a song or two after tucking us in at night.  I want to teach my children the same ways.  Obviously there are days that their energy levels exceed my own (and in truth my patience too...) but I am going to strive to remember the following as we go along.

"To teach children when they are young is much more about playing and discovering and much less about crayons and glue and workbooks. If we provide activities that will help children move, discover, play, create, sing, and work, they will be learning through experience more than we can teach them in any other way. "A child's work is a child's play" is an absolute truth. It is how they learn about their environment, their abilities, and their place in the world.

      If the kids get tired after 1 or 2 activities, we will read, or sing, or go play in the sandbox. No pushing, no forcing, and it should be fun for them or the whole point is missed. So much of preschooling or educating our children seems to involve training them to learn by force, sitting down at a table filling out worksheets or practicing flash cards. How much more effective we can be if we will find the things they enjoy and help them learn and discover the treasure of it all.

      Even if it's in the sandbox."    ~ You Can Teach.com

How true it is, the last few days I was lamenting because I had slacked off on the reading 15 mins goal... and it has been an incredible struggle of late to get the boys to settle down and quiet down long enough to get in even the title of the book, little lone much more.  Then I was reading today in Teaching Children Joy by Linda & Richard Eyre about "how children love it when they find that their parents have imaginations!"  There was more, and I decided to put it too the test.  The boys ran into my room moments later chasing after each other and screaming (their favorite game!) and I turned out the lights and told them to run out to the living room because I had a surprise for them.  I through on a big fuzzy brown robe and came stomping out saying I was the big reading bear and if they wanted to join me to jump up on the couch.  They thought it was hilarious (the fact that my voice sounds like a bear right now due to a bad sinus infection I'm sure helped add to the fun!).  And before they knew it I had read my voice hoarse!   Hooray!  It was such fun.  And then we played a tickle game, they had to clean up one toy and then I'd tickle them or catch them and eat them up.  Then they'd run off to find another toy to clean up and come scampering back to be "caught" again... it is funny how making things funny or fun can make ALL the difference in the world in getting children to help or read or play nice or take a bath or get dressed for bed, etc...  And it is more funny sad how dad-gum hard it can be as an adult to do it that way instead of rolling our eyes (which no doubt is where teenagers learn it, is in their toddlerhood ;-) and getting frustrated and forcing the issue one way or another.  So another goal:  Work on making child's work = child's play, and learn to make mommy's work more in line with mommy's play too!