Hands Full of "LOVE"

Adorable little hands and feet... many say I have my "hands full", 

I agree, full of LOVE!

A mother's education... and some other thoughts

I have a very active mind, my husband and I joke that it is like there is a hamster in there that loves to run on the wheel and rarely stops.  I have Always loved learning and college was one of the favorite times of my life, if I could be an eternal college student I'd love it!  We've always talked about how I would take a class here or there once my husband had finished his education and we could afford it.  Now I'm beginning to wonder if it is yet that time of life... I would Love to take a class... and yet, life is so full that I'm not sure that it would fit in now... or even will anytime in the near future.  Being a mother is a full time job!  And one that I love, yet often I find myself looking for a little something for me.  The ideas of what that could be change constantly, everything from a community class, to a creating a small home based business and back again.  As a bit of a perfectionist (in some specific areas, other areas not so much...) I can really get into an idea, make lots of preliminary plans, and then realize that it would cause disruption in our home and family, so I drop it... but I am having a hard time finding something that could fulfill that desire without becoming a distraction from the things and more importantly the people at home that mean the most to me.  So I am turning in circles, most days I am completely happy and love being home every day with my little ones, but there are days that I'm down and out feeling tired and dizzy trying to find a creative outlet.  (The pregnancy hormones are likely to blame for part of it ;-)  I find it funny too that despite the fact that I often feel overwhelmed by the number of things that are on my "to do list" and I'm not getting too, yet I want to add something else to it too!  What an interesting creature a woman is!   I'm digressing, so on to the point of this post...

In some of my pondering and searching I came across some great articles that I wanted to be able to find again and that I feel a desire to write down my thoughts on (mostly so if tomorrow is a tough day I can come back and read this again!)

In the March 1975 Ensign, a section titled "Insights" if you scroll down a little there is an article called "Women and Education" that I found very comforting.  It mentions that we have been taught by the leaders of our Church that "mothers who have young children in the home should devote their primary energies to the companionship and training of their children and the care of their families", and it brings me comfort knowing that I'm working everyday to do just that.  It also talks of how much of a woman's life is not during this stage, and that is one of the reasons why we are encouraged to gain an education. Sometimes when we are in the stage of young children, it is hard and sad to imagine that someday they will no longer be young!  As I transitioned straight from finishing my education into becoming a mother, sometimes I wonder if I will ever really use or need the degrees that I worked to obtain.   So it is nice to think that an education is to prepare us not only for motherhood but also our entire period of life.

At the bottom of the same "Insights" there is an article called "The Creative Climate" and is a great eye opener as to things we say to our children that either cultivate their creativity or discourage it.  Here are a few of the statements that foster courage, self-confidence and creativity:

"That time you almost did it; you're doing better every time.

That's a good idea!

That looks interesting.  Tell me about it.

It's okay if you get dirty.  :-)

Have fun!

I appreciate your help.

What ever you decide is fine with me."
And the list goes on.

I also found an article about "Lifelong Learning" on Mormon.org a few of my favorite quotes from there are "God expects all of us to gather as much knowledge as we are able—at school, at work and on our own. Doing so will help us through the challenges of this life, bring us closer to Him and prepare us for the life to come."  Pres.  Uchtdorf said, "...encourage your families… to learn and become better educated. If formal education is not available, do not allow that to prevent you from acquiring all the knowledge you can. Under such circumstances, the best books, in a sense, can become your 'university'—a classroom that is always open and admits all who apply.”  So even though taking more formal educational classes, or beginning a small home based business is not the best thing to do at this stage of my life, I can continue to learn and I must not become discouraged, but search out the best books to read and to learn from.  Then if the time comes that I can "do more" so to speak, I will be more prepared to succeed.  And even more important is that we find joy in the journey, and as Elder Uchtdorf recently said, "forget not to; be patient with ourselves, the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice, to be happy now, the "why" of the gospel, and that the Lord loves you."

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Admire-ation

A thought I'm pondering on, what promotes the true love and admiration of ones loved-ones?  Both the giving and receiving end of that love and admiration?  The dictionary says that Admiration is "respect and warm approval and pleasurable contemplation"; Admire is "regard with respect or warm approval, look at with pleasure"; Love is "an intense feeling of deep affection, a great interest and pleasure in something". How many of us long to be looked at with love and admire-ation (combined admire and admiration)? And yet how often does it happen? Yesterday, I did something that promoted that look of pleasure, warm approval, and deep love in the eyes of my dear husband. And it struck me to the core that it has been a little while since I've seen that look. I'll admit that being a woman (and a pregnant one at that ;-) my first thoughts about it were not admirable, I was hurt and upset that he doesn't look at me like that as often now as he used to. As I was contemplating why that might be, it started to dawn on to me that maybe it was because I was not promoting those feelings of respect, warm approval, and pleasurable contemplation in him as often as I used to.  I know that he loves me and I love him!  Truly I believe that our marriage in many ways gets better every year, but that does not mean that there are not areas that don't need some work, polishing and shining it to make it sparkly again.  (Have you ever read the  "Eternal Marriage and the Parable of the Silverware"?  It is a great book!)  And what about my four adorable little boys?  How often have I seen that look of loving admiration in their eyes?  More importantly when have the 5 most important men (man & 4 little men) in my life seen that look in my eyes?  What am I doing to inspire that love and admiration for me in them and to find the things in each of them that inspire it in me?  Much to think and ponder on...  I'm looking forward to listening to General Conference today and see what messages the Prophet and Apostles have to share with us today and tomorrow, maybe some will have a lot to do with the things that I need to focus more on, like taking time to love and truly admire and show that love and admiration to the people who are most important in my life.  Because we all need to see that look in someones eyes.

Understanding Emotions

There was a wonderful write up in the Church News about "Understanding emotions in early childhood helps overall health."  (You can listen to the whole lecture here or here.)  It really brought home for me and put into words some of the feelings and thoughts that I have been pondering lately.  That of the difference between the worlds multiple pop-parenting views and ideas, and that of a Christ like Charity, true gospel centered parenting.  I feel like my mind has been so bombarded with all of the social stigmas of what a child should and should not say or do, the schedule a child should keep, and the best methods of how to get a child to do what you want him/her to do, that I have allowed some bad habits into our parenting lives.  And lately it has been really pressing upon my mind, wondering what the true approaches should be, and how to still the frustration that I feel when one of my boys doesn't always do what I want him to do when I want him to do it or acts out in ways that I think are unacceptable.  I have been feeling lately that a lot of the little things that happen daily don't really matter in the eternal sense of things, you know; a potty accident, not being as quick getting ready for the day, getting out of bed at night for this-that-or the other.  It isn't what they do or don't do that matters, it is what I do or don't do in response that matters!  It really hit home when I heard my oldest child reprimanding one of the younger ones and thought "where did he learn to that?" and realized that unfortunately he has learned it from me.  It wasn't awful but it wasn't charitable loving or kind.  And I realized that with all I'm 'trying' to 'teach' them by different 'methods' isn't really teaching them, it was my attitude, tone of voice, and facial expressions that they were really learning, my charity and love or lack there of.  And I must say that when feeling frustrated that they 'still hadn't learned not to _______'  (hit their brother, call names, fight, take toys away, etc... all ways that children express their feelings); that my tone of voice and attitude was generally frustrated or aggravated or exasperated, not so charitable...  and I have been pondering on and working on seeing things from a different light.  Trying not to compare my children to what I think everyone else might think of them (because really I doubt anyone really takes the time to analyze them like that anyway... I know I don't do that to anyone else's children, my mind is usually to full of taking care of my children).   Instead I am going to work on seeing them as the Savior does, as Heavenly Father wants me to see them, and to love them and Show that Love in my face, tone of voice, actions, and words.  That they learn by my example to be kind and loving and to teach each other, instead of reprimanding or commanding, to help us all along the path of charity, love, and back into our Father's loving arms.

Some other wonderful thoughts and resources that enhance the idea of charitable Parenting:


Chapter 3: Teaching Infants and Toddlers: from Birth to Approximately Three Years,"  A Parent's Guide, (1985)

"While your children are very young, you can teach them the value of loving and being loved. "

"... if you wish your children to be taught in the principles of the gospel, if you wish them to love the truth and understand it, if you wish them to be obedient to and united with you, love them! and prove to them that you do love them by your every word or act to them. For your own sake, for the love that should exist between you and your [children]—however wayward they might be … when you speak or talk to them, do it not in anger, do it not harshly, in a condemning spirit. Speak to them kindly; get them down and weep with them if necessary and get them to shed tears with you if possible. Soften their hearts; get them to feel tenderly toward you. Use no lash and no violence, but … approach them with reason, with persuasion and love unfeigned. … Get them to feel as you feel, have interest in the things in which you take interest, to love the gospel as you love it, to love one another as you love them; to love their parents as the parents love the children. You can’t do it any other way” 

“our children are the most precious gift that our Father bestows upon us. If we can guide their feet in the pathway of salvation, there will be joy eternal for us and for them”

 "Be loving when you correct your children. Do not withhold affection from them as a way to chastise them, for they may not learn to give affection to others."

Chapter 4: Teaching Children: from Four to Eleven Years," A Parent’s Guide, (1985)

"The home is the best place in the world to teach the child self-restraint, to give him happiness in self-control, and respect for the rights of others."

“I feel that the first contribution of the home to the happiness of the child is to impress him with the fact that there are bounds beyond which he cannot go with safety; second, to teach him to be considerate of the rights of others; third, to have him feel that home is a place where confidences and consolations are exchanged; and fourth, to have him cherish the thought that home is a haven of seclusion and rest from the worries and perplexities of life” ~ Pres. David O. McKay

Now, just because I have written this, am I doing it just perfectly?  No, I am human, I make mistakes.  But I am working on Becoming better and striving to do these things!  That is the great thing about this life, we get to consistently work to Become more than we are, more like Him.  And writing it all out, helps, because now on 'one of those days' I can come back and read and re-experience the feelings and answers that I have found, to help me continue working to Become the best mother that I can be.

Mother - teach the baby to sleep

The past few nights have been long.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who have had nights when a little one has a tough time staying asleep!  Andrew (9 months) was waking up every 2 hours and only going back to sleep through rocking and nursing, then repeating that multiple times.  Any mother (and father) knows that wears you down after a bit and you start wondering what to do.  I sometimes wish I knew the things I know now with my first baby, and I am sure I'll think that again as the years pass by.

So I sat wondering what to do and how to help all of us get a better nights sleep, I pondered over the many different "solutions".  Everything from cry it out, to give up and let him out for a little bit and then try again, to continuing to be waken every other hour.  None really seemed such a great idea.  I have sworn off the cry it out solution forever if I can help it.  We tried that with Michael & Matthew and not only did it break my heart to pieces, it taught Alex - then 2 - that it was okay for them to cry... not a good thing.  And I'm sure it wasn't the most emotionally healthy thing for them.  I hope that it isn't a scar they carry for life.  The continued rocking to sleep thing isn't the best either, that is what I did with Alex and there comes a point where it just doesn't work anymore and that is a hard transition.  Plus I really need my sleep to keep up with life.  And we've always had the rule (that breaks now and then) that once it is bedtime we don't come out of our rooms til morning... and we start that with our babies.   There go all those options...  so as I sat rocking him at 12:30 the second night in a row I was pondering and my thoughts came back to "Mother, teach the children"... hmmm how does that apply here.  And I decided that I needed to teach Andrew how to go back to sleep if he stirs or wakes during the night, teach him to "fish" so to speak instead of giving him a fish.  I remember reading some things in a book called "The Lull-A-Baby Sleep Plan" a very good book in my opinion, and decided to try some.  So at 2:30am when Andrew woke again, I went in and calmed him down by giving him a hug, but without picking him up out of the crib.  Then when he had settled down a bit, I sat next to the crib and put my arms through the bars.  Over the next hour I worked at soothing him and keeping him from standing up on the side of the crib, laying him down at times (though he'd sit right back up), and just working on helping him stay calm but not playing.  I kept patting the mattress with my hand, next to him as he sat there, trying to encourage him to lay down himself.  He laid down a couple of times then would sit up then I'd pat the mattress and he'd lay down again and finally he stayed down and started breathing heavily.  And after about an hour it all worked.   Success!  Or so I hoped.  I hardly had laid down in my bed when he started crying again.  Obviously he wasn't completely asleep yet.  So I went back and did the same things over again, this time it only took about 15 mins.  And this time he slept through the night!!   This was the second time I tried this, I did it a few weeks ago too, I need to be more consistent with it, but usually Andrew does sleep through the night.

So why is this so important?  Well, one - though it did take longer initially than feeding and rocking him to sleep, I didn't have to be getting up every other hour again through the night!  And hopefully it won't take too many of these mommy teach me to sleep sessions, til he can help himself back to sleep and know that night is for sleeping. Two - He went to sleep!  And he didn't have to cry until he zonked out from sheer exhaustion (which really doesn't teach him anything very fast... and we'd end up having the same situation night after night for a long while.)  Three - I don't feel like I'm deserting him when he is crying for me and I'm not coming, we both feel validated and loved and respected.  My heart is NOT getting ripped out of me as it would if I was laying in bed listening to my baby crying.  We all feel better and happier in the end.  And I feel like I'm following the Savior's example of having Christ like love and charity as the guiding factor in my life as a mother.  As I said to my husband, "This is what Mom's are for" and what being a mom is all about.

Hope you can find what works for you and your baby!  And here's hoping that we can keep finding what works for us, as any mother knows the minute you think you figure something out that works... the child grows and changes and so you are able to grow and change again too!

AFTERTHOUGHT:  Just wanted to say... that that was what worked for me that night, that child, that place in time.  It won't always work, there are no quick fix, one size for everyone solution that will do the "trick".  You have to take into consideration your child, his/her age and temperament, your self, your family, your situation.  If my thoughts helped, great, if not, don't worry about it, find what works for you and your little one!

Developing Self-Esteem

So... it has been a little while, but what do I expect?  Between 4 little ones under the age of almost 5, working as my husbands book-keeper, marketer, blog, and seo person, and trying to be a good house wife, I find myself a little short on time now and then ;-).  On top of that we've been going through quite a round of illnesses of late, here's hoping we are done with those!

Back to self-esteem.  In college I studied Family Science and one class I took was Parenting.  It was the greatest class!  How do I remember that since this was back in 2001?  Well, I found all my notes from it and WOW!!!  I am SO excited to be going back through them, I wish I was more like a computer and could keep all the data that I learn closer at hand in my mind, but then computers hard drives seem to crash at about 5 yrs (or sooner) so I guess I'm glad I don't hold all that data!  Anyway I wanted to share some of my notes, because I think they are Great.  The first round is focused more on Moms, which seems natural for if we don't develop a healthy self-esteem, how can we teach our children to?  So here goes, Enjoy!

Developing Self-Esteem

Basically everyone compares them-self to someone else, the bad thing is that we usually take one of our weak points & compare it to someone else's strengths.  This tears us down & robs us of our self-confidence.  Comparisons really don't count, unless we are comparing how we are not to how we used to be as a personal check.

"Our only valid... competition is with our old selves, not with each other." - Elder Neal A. Maxwell

Learn to Love You!

We cannot open our hearts & love other people until we understand how important it is to love ourselves.  Not in the stuck-up, prideful sense but in a comfortable acceptance of who you are and what you can become.

Make Goals to Improve, learn to control yourself, and change what you can.

"to be successful... we must learn to control our lives, our habits, attitudes, and desires."

• Goal & Decision making - now that you have an idea of what needs changed you need to get to work.  You need to make decisions of what needs some change & how to bring it about.  Then make some realistic goals.
• Be in Control - work from the inside-out
• Some ways to gain control are...

1. ATTITUDE COUNTS! - What does your attitude say about you?  Do you let little things bring you down?  Or are you usually jumping in with a happy, positive outlook?  When you find yourself whining or grouchy, turn it around.  Your countenance reflects the feelings you carry within.  SMILE!! A lot!  "A smile is a light in the window of a face which shows that the heart is home."
2. Be Positive - Challenge - One day, vow to think only positive thoughts about you and everyone else.  Chase criticisms away like the plague.  Don't complain about one things for 24 hours.  See how it feels.  "A single sunbeam is enough to drive away many shadows."
3. Share Your Emotions - Better friendships come from opening up.  Holding in those feelings that are best expressed can deny some extra blessings of closer friends.  Strength comes from sharing.
4. Laugh
5. Have Fun!
6. Let go of unnecessary guilt - don't feel guilty for something that is not your fault, no matter what it is.
7. Learn to Work Hard and Enjoy It!
8. Stop and Smell the Roses
9. Serve Others -  as we take time to serve, we will find more time, it will work for our good, it helps lift our spirits, makes us better people, and increases happiness. 
10. Be sensitive to other people & respect their feelings.
11. Give Compliments
12. Increase your circle of friends - reach out to those around you.
13. Get out of your comfort zone - meet new people.
14. Be Humble - life will feel less complicated if you let the Lord guide your path, you will be happier.  Don't be big-headed.  Roll with the punches easier.  Can find all the confidence you'll ever need.
15. Keep the Commandments -  in this there is safety in this there is peace.  Love the world and people = happier.
16. Stick to your standards - nothing is worth compromising your morals or cheapening your behavior.
17. Remember your Divine Nature - you Are a Child of God!  You can rise about worldliness and realize how important you are.   "The greatest gift I could give to you, is if you could see yourself the way I do."
18. You are of Infinite Worth.
19. Be Grateful - Have you ever seen a happy person who was not thankful? 1 Thes 5:18 "in everything give thanks."  "A grateful heart is a beginning of greatness." ~ Elder James E. Faust
20. Count your many blessing
21. Make a list of things you do well - ex. good listener, patience, calming influence, peace maker, keep your word, etc...
22. Gain a Strong & Healthy Relationship with your Father in Heaven -  through prayer, scripture study, repentance, and living the commandments.  "Developing spirituality and attuning ourselves to the highest influences of godliness is not an easy matter.  It takes time and frequently involves a struggle.  It will not happen by chance, but is accomplished only through deliberate effort by calling upon God and keep His commandments." ~ Pres. Howard W. Hunter

• Practice makes perfect - maybe not perfect in this life, but if we keep trying to do our best, in the next.  These goals and others won't just happen all of a sudden.  You'll make mistakes but keep trying and it will happen.
• Focus on your Truest Friend - who do you think that is?  He stands by you through everything and loves you always.  He is our Savior, Jesus Christ.  We will all go through times of despair and heartache but if we trust Him everything will be okay.  He knows what is best for us and will give you what you need.  Just put your Trust in Him.  "When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives.  Our love of the Lord will govern the claims of our affection, the demands of our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities." ~ Pres. Ezra Taft Benson

Don't EVER Give Up!

Have you ever felt like that frog who's head is already in the pelican's mouth, but still holding on for dear life?  Well what ever you do, don't let go or it is over.  Don't give excuses.  Be responsible!  If you have tried & failed, try taking a smaller step and then another.  Don't try jumping the Grand Canyon.

"Do Not give up Hope.  And do not give up trying.  But do give up being obsessed with it.  The chances are that if you forget about it and become anxiously engaged in other activities, the prospects will brighten immeasurably."  ~ Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

• Don't become discouraged - get rid of the bad feelings, replace with encouragement.  "It was meant to be that life would be a challenge.  To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal.  Teach our members that if they have a good, miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, to stand steady and face them.  Things will straighten out.  There is a great purpose in our struggle in life."  ~ Elder Boyd K. Packer
• Did you think to Pray?  - Prayer will get you closer to your goals and help you appreciate them more than anything else.  Not just a run of the mill prayer but a real prayer, communication between us and our Father.  Open your heart and let it all out, ask questions and wait for answers. Really Pray, don't just say your prayers.
• Just Do It!  - You must do the work to feel good about yourself, you have got to figure things out and do better, and be better.  Learning to love yourself is not necessarily easy but it is essential to finding joy.  If you don't like yourself, you're missing out.  Try reframing your opinion and improve yourself daily.  Most important Accept those things about you that you can't change

Ether 12:27 - "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

I will admit that I needed this!  A lot to think about and I feel encouraged to keep striving to do my best.  I hope that if anyone is out there reading this, that it helps you too.

More to come on helping Children develop a healthy Self-esteem....